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Juventus vs. Lazio – Meghè’s Player Ratings

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Meghè’s Semi-Serious Ratings, because football should never stop making us smile.
Contains irony, read responsibly.


SZCZESNY 6.5: Our Polish goalkeeper has a quiet day at the office: Luis Alberto is the only one who wakes him up, forcing him to pick the ball out of the net after a nightmare attempt to play the ball from the back by the Bremer-Cambiaso duo. At that point, he bounces like Francesco Nuti when he locked himself in the bathroom to fiddle around, and his father knocked on the door with the inevitable “you’ll go blind!” Caruso

DANILO 7: Our MacGyver fixes everything as usual… and when finesse is not required, he uses the club: nobody passes on his side, not even the little Biancocelesti players. Fast, precise, and punctual. Immobile occasionally tries to escape Bremer’s clutches by looking for him, but he comes out with band-aids and a shot administered. Slight pain

GATTI 7: He wears the number 4 on his back, but he doesn’t deserve it: when he starts running, it seems like he has the number 44, as in the little song we all used to sing when we were kids. Finally, we understand the meaning of “the rest of two”: those are the slaps he gives to anyone who gets close to him. Maresca doesn’t understand anything, as usual, and inexplicably books him. Tarzan

BREMER 6: Forgets to play for Acciughina (a humorous nickname) and presses high as if he were back in his Cairese days, starting the action for the first goal. Bud Spencer, as always, is unbeatable when it comes to getting into a scuffle with the opposing striker, who remains “Immobile” (another player’s nickname) the whole game to avoid it. Less so when it comes to building the action, but it’s not his fault; we can’t expect Bud Spencer to crochet doilies. Confused

MCKENNIE 7.5: The magician today shows us why he celebrates like Harry Potter after every goal: first, he makes the ball disappear, making the poor Lazio players believe it went out of bounds, sending Locatelli towards the assist for the first goal. Then he performs a Pirlo-like long pass to send Vlahovic through on goal, putting the ball at his feet from 40 meters away. In between, he offers a vintage full-back performance, neutralizing Zaccagni and providing defensive stability. David Copperfield, watch out. 71’ WEAH 5.5: The boy seems hungry. He plays the final scraps with drool at the corner of his mouth, but the only thing he manages to devour is a goal. He didn’t inherit that from his father. Illegitimate

MIRETTI 6.5: Acciughina asks him to join in with and without the ball. He does so with the usual dedication: grappling with the two Lazio central defenders, he looks like a minor trying to enter a nightclub with his cousin’s ID… but eventually, he succeeds and even comes close to scoring. He’s not yet at the technical level of the Lazio magician, and his curling shot misses the target slightly. He’ll get there. Little Merlin 58’ FAGIOLI 6: I’ve always said it: he should play as a playmaker. In midfield, he lacks Miretti’s flair. Let’s hope Acciughina notices… but we should tell him gently, because if he realizes he needs to change his position, he might put him at full-back. Hush-hush.

LOCATELLI 7.5: His best game of the year: assists, pinpoint passes, interceptions, and occupying the right spaces. Is Acciughina right to prefer him over Fagiolino (a humorous nickname) in the playmaker role? I prefer him as a midfielder, like during his Sassuolo days, but if Acciughina has won 5 Serie A titles and I’ve won at most three Fantasy Football titles, there must be a reason. This time he does exactly what was claimed in the 1980s commercial: he does things well. Surgical.

RABIOT 6.5: The Duke of Orleans plays with the typical languor of his compatriots dealing with the thirty-fifth oyster to suck on the Champs-Élysées: good it may be, but appetite is another matter. On Chiesa’s goal, it’s unclear whether he wants to make an assist or just doesn’t feel like shooting anymore. In the second half, he misses another golden opportunity, but you know how nobility is: they eat for pleasure, not out of hunger. Noblesse oblige.

KOSTIC 6.5: Filippo, once removed from the transfer market showcase, is trying to earn his place as a starter. He gets some help from Cambiaso, who falls asleep on the Lazio goal in the second half. He stands out for being one of the most accurate in long-range shots: during the pre-match warm-up. On the rise. 58’ CAMBIASO 5.5: From the Curva Sud (a reference to a section of the stadium), thankfully back in full voice to support the boys, the chant “Jump with us, Maurizio Sarri” starts. He obediently starts jumping to the rhythm… but Bud Spencer gives him a sneaky nudge that he doesn’t expect: the magician taunts him and scores a goal. This misunderstanding earns him a passing grade. Little Pierino

CHIESA 7.5: Chiesa is becoming the centerpiece of the village: last year, if he had tried to score with his left foot for the 2-0 goal, he would have hit either the Duke’s foot or the corner flag directly. A bit of luck doesn’t hurt, and the ball sneaks in at the right post past the blameless Biancocelesti goalkeeper. Revived 83′ MILIK SV. A few minutes to manage the possession in a game that had little left to tell. He manages to miss two easy headers to keep a clean sheet in Fantasy Football and make those who, like myself, had the audacity to start him as a starter, quite unhappy. Lethargic

VLAHOVIC 8: He has more trouble breaking free from the Curva Sud’s embrace after the magnificent right-footed goal that made it 3-1 than he does shaking off the poor Casale and Romagnoli; after all, the game plan of the two Lazio center-backs was clear: send him right! And he went right, just like Italians in the last elections! He even won both houses: the Chamber and Senate… two goals and Lazio goes home. For long stretches of the game, he reminded us of the Juventus-era Bobo Vieri: unstoppable power and plenty of class. Conan the Barbarian 83’ KEAN SV. The Asti-born Rhum (a reference to a famous liqueur) does his job when he allows for the standing ovation for the Serbian. Less so when he wastes a couple of counterattacks by insisting on the individual solution. Like the famous filled chocolate from the city of his birth. Leaves a bitter taste.

ALLEGRI 7: He has nothing to envy in front of

the last coach who won the Scudetto: he leaves Lazio with sterile possession of the ball but punishes them with the same weapons the former gas station attendant used at Napoli to punish Garcia’s squad. He only lacks the proverbial skill of the Tuscan to pick his nose during post-game interviews: but he wins easily there, given Fabiani’s inexplicable media blackout to avoid anyone getting suspended. The Curva Sud acclaims him as their leader, and he stops shouting “calm down” to return the greeting. Has the love affair with the fans returned? Honeymoon.

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