Meghè’s Player Ratings – Empoli vs. Juventus

Meghè’s Semi-Serious Ratings, because football should never stop making us smile.
Contains irony, read responsibly.

PERIN 5.5: It’s hard to stay focused when the opposing team hardly troubles you. He makes a mistake with a clearance and almost causes a mess. Like when you copied math homework in religion class at school and regularly got caught by the teacher. Distracted.

GATTI 7: Splits the Empoli defense and earns a penalty. Since it’s the trend of the summer, he demands from Maleh, as if the Empoli defense were a sandwich, his usual two euros for the service and gets upset when Maleh refuses to give them to him. On the defensive side, he’s impenetrable. Maginot.

BREMER 6.5: If I had his defense when I was 10, I would have avoided being hit every day by my mother’s slippers. He doesn’t get a 7 because he’s still a bit uncertain when it comes to building up the attack: it’s like asking Bud Spencer to become a fencing champion. Expecting too much from someone who can send a man to the moon with a slap. Solid.

DANILO 7.5: Compagnoni in the commentary calls him the first foreign captain since Sivori. We trust him. Our MacGyver unlocks the game with a goal, taking advantage of Empoli’s lapse on a corner kick. If he starts scoring consistently from that flank, no one will take his captain’s armband. Mayor.

MCKENNIE 6.5: Returns to playing as a full-back like in his Schalke days. We know that Acciughina dreams of playing with 10 full-backs, and he doesn’t disappoint. He defends the flank securely and reappears relentlessly, like the pepper stew eaten for lunch and not digested until 11 PM. Particularly indigestible to the Empoli defense with his counterattacks: could he threaten Weah’s starting spot, given that he defends better? Only Acciughina knows the answer. Indigestible. 83’ WEAH N/A. Does more in the last ten minutes against Empoli than in the entire first half against Bologna. Crosses less than Kostic, but when he does, it’s more accurate. As the 80s advertisement used to say: is it better to have a big brush or a great brush? Great brusher.

MIRETTI 6: At times, he’s the best Miretti from last year, the one who impressed us in the first half of the season. He’s always missing something to complete the job: he does everything well, dribbles, beats his man, and then misses the final pass. Penelope, move aside. 62’ POGBA 6.5: I’ll bring him the dry-cleaning bill for the beer spilled on the couch due to his spectacular goal, later disallowed for a millimetric offside by the Serb. If the football gods keep him healthy, we’ll have fun this year. Lazarus.

LOCATELLI 6: For once, he remembers the slogan of the advertisement, “does things properly.” He continues to be the most observed by referees: he always gets a yellow card on his first foul, even if it’s dubious. Crazy! It’s like when at school, your desk mate let out a little fart, you laughed, and the teacher punished you. Persecuted.

RABIOT 6: A game of substance. He leaves the baguette at home and dons the yellow vest, as our transalpine cousins do when they mean business: he bullies, retrieves balls, brings the team forward with his sprints, only missing his usual forward runs into the box to cause chaos. Wild Horse.

KOSTIC 6: Allegri lays down the tracks for him, and he runs down the wing like a madman, like a Trenitalia pendolino train. Having not played the first two matches (Giuntoli hoped to sell him?), he’s behind in his schedule to beat the record for opponents hit violently by his crosses, but we’re confident he’ll catch up soon, with Cambiaso’s permission. Sniper. 70’ CAMBIASO 6: The boy is mature, enters like a veteran, and doesn’t waste a ball. Acciughina even entrusts him with the car keys, wallet, and address book with the phone numbers of the showgirls to contact after the game. Like the Rocher butler: when the Lady asks, he’s always ready with the chocolate. Ambrogio.

CHIESA 7.5: Man of the match, he could easily take the ball home with a bit more composure. The pivotal moment, hopefully, of the season: fouled by Berisha, instead of settling for the goalkeeper’s red card, he gets up and, like a modern Dorando Pietri, finishes the play with a goal, then collapses after crossing the finish line. Unlike our marathon runner, this time the referee doesn’t disallow the goal, and we can celebrate our dark horse’s revival. Ecumenical. 83’ KEAN 6.5: Moses enters with full confidence, hits the post spectacularly, and gives us hope for the rest of the season. A force of nature. Ken the Warrior.

VLAHOVIC 5: It’s not his day: you can tell he wants to conquer the world and avenge the ridicule he suffered in last year’s return leg, but he misses a penalty, and Pogback’s goal, facilitated by his wonderful chest assist, is disallowed for a millimetric offside. You can see that he has a lot of plays in store for us, but they come out in Croatian, and his teammates don’t understand them. Unlucky. 70’ MILIK 7: Delivers a wonderful assist to Chiesa and hits the crossbar with a spectacular header. If he and Kean always enter like this, we have a serious attack this year. Bazooka.

ALLEGRI 7: At the club, he responds as usual to Caressa’s rants about Magnanelli. Then, he launches into his metaphors about guns, confusing the waters as a good Livornese. On the field, he didn’t have to face Real Madrid, but Empoli gave us a hard time last year, while yesterday, they didn’t understand anything. Illusionist.