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Juventus vs. Lecce – Meghè’s Player Ratings

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Meghè’s Semi-Serious Ratings, because football should never stop making us smile.
Contains irony, read responsibly.


**SZCZĘSNY** s.v. (without shame): The Stadium sighs every time he has to take a goal kick… It’s as if Lino Banfi accidentally loosened Edvige Fenech’s garter belt… palpitations, fixed gaze, cyanotic face, breathless… the opponent is just right, and fortunately, they never shoot at the goal… I’ve never heard such a sequence of expletives all at once at the Stadium… Miraculous.

**DANILO 6:** He alternates between genuine gems (the assist to Chiesa in the first half) and genuine blunders (random passes that don’t trouble the Polish goalkeeper). It might be because he often finds himself dueling with Strefezza, but his expression betrays the fact that he’s well aware that the scheme that involves playing from the back is just rubbish. Nostalgic.

**BREMER 6.5:** Bud Spencer blocks Kristovic a couple of times in midfield, just to let him know who’s in charge: the Lecce center-forward understands the message and, as in the best tradition of spaghetti westerns, after a couple of slaps, he thinks twice about entering the Bianconeri’s penalty area, except during set pieces. He leaves it to Danilo to clear the area, earning himself a nice half-point bonus. Sheriff.

**RUGANI 6.5:** The presence of Bud Spencer comforts him immensely. He remembers how he used to play during his time at Sarri’s Empoli and even comes close to scoring in the first half. When Lecce’s blondie tries to unsettle him, he looks at Bremer with the pleading gaze of the Mexican from “They Call Me Trinity” trying to justify himself with the memorable line: “My wife was by the river, señor, washing… a gringo attacked her and wanted her… and I ran to her aid…” Bud Spencer steps in, and Lecce never gets a shot on goal. Reborn.

From the 72nd minute, **Gatti 6:** It’s like when you were a kid, fell off your bike, scraped your knee, and wanted to go home to get it patched up by your mom. But the old, wise, Livornese uncle would pat you on the head and force you back on the saddle, convincing you that if you didn’t do it right away, you’d never ride again. After being on the receiving end of the Polish goalkeeper’s antics in the disastrous match in Reggio Emilia, this time, when he sees that the walking tax code is about to postpone it, he gives him a shove. Don’t let him pass the ball! Traumatized.

**MCKENNIE 7:** In De Sciglio’s absence, he has truly won Acciughina’s heart, who has always been in love with his right-backs: he delivers his usual all-substance defensive performance, not hesitating to push forward occasionally. In the second half, he even attempts a few double steps and surpluses a la Ronaldinho, with unfortunately unexciting results, facing Dorgu and Baschirotto, who aren’t exactly choirboys. In the end, he proves as reliable as the calculator hidden in the jeans that helped us pass the middle school math exam. Texas Instruments.

From the 87th minute, **Weah n.a.:** He barely has time to greet everyone as his father used to: “Good evening, beautiful and ugly,” before the match ends.

**FAGIOLI 7:** Along with Chiesa, he’s one of the few who occasionally awakens the Stadium from its lethargy. The ball is always glued to his foot; he controls it like a Brazilian and sees the game like few others. It’s a shame that his teammates are always standing still. At least he manages to put the ball at the feet of anyone who asks for it. It’s like when Tarantino makes a cameo appearance in another director’s action movie. Why doesn’t he direct it himself, the spectators wonder? Because Acciughina sees him as a half-midfielder. With the rinds.

From the 86th minute, **Miretti n.a.:** He manages to make a sprint of his own, earning a foul in the opponent’s half that allows us to breathe and get the final whistle. Tiraemolla.

**LOCATELLI 5:** This time, he doesn’t do things as well as against Lazio. It has to be said that his teammates don’t help him either. Just as Acciughina doesn’t help by insisting on making him play as the playmaker (I’ve already mentioned that, haven’t I?). At times, he almost seems in the mood not to attempt anything special after the thrashing he took from his former Emilian teammates. It’s like when you’re little, and your mother forces you to eat the soup you didn’t want for lunch. Listless.

**RABIOT 6.5:** He deserves the extra half point on his grade for the impassive face he displayed after earning the corner kick that led to Milik’s goal. He evidently touched the ball last (so much so that D’Aversa received a yellow card from the referee), but he spreads his arms with the condescension of French nobility suggesting that the common folk should eat a nice brioche if they no longer have bread. In the subsequent corner kick action, he provides the header that assists Milik’s goal, but this time, he claims the gesture. Nouvelle grandeur.

**CAMBIASO 5.5:** For mysterious reasons, Acciughina often asks him to move centrally, ostensibly to free up space on the wing for Chiesa. It’s a shame that his teammates are always stationary and only want the ball at their feet, making his movement useless. If he were stationed on the wing, he could do more damage, in my opinion. But there’s nothing to be done, in Italy, as in politics, when they don’t know what to do, they all always rush to the center: the result, traffic jams and the maneuver doesn’t flow. Eterodiretto.

From the 72nd minute, **KOSTIĆ 6:** He targets the opponent and runs like a madman on the left flank, throwing the usual stones that inevitably hit the unfortunate Salento player who stands between the ball and the penalty area. Sniper.

**MILIK 6.5:** After an anonymous first half in which he makes us miss the Serbian in terms of ball control 50 meters from the goal (and that says it all), he finds the tap-in from a few yards out that makes the almost resigned Stadium celebrate. His first goal of the season that makes us forget the exploits of his compatriot in Reggio Emilia: near the goal line, the Poles are relentless in this early autumn. It’s like when, after misbehaving, you would approach your mother convinced by the “come here, I won’t do anything to you.” The slipper was guaranteed. Bomber.

From the 78th minute, **VLAHOVIĆ 6:** He tapes his hand like Benzema, but the move, given the little time he had on the field and

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