Juventus vs. Bologna – Meghè’s Player Ratings

Meghè’s Semi-Serious Ratings, because football should never stop making us smile.
Contains irony, read responsibly.

Here are the player ratings:

Perin 6: He’s like your middle school crush, smiling, a bit awkward, well-dressed. He’s caught your attention with his developing attributes, but you can’t expect miracles. If Alex Sandro serves assists to the opponents, he can only pick the ball out of the net. The late Francesco Nuti would sing to him: “You have Perin’s charms!” Intriguing.

Danilo 6: In the second half, he loses patience after receiving the thirty-seventh backward pass. However, he always puts in the effort for the team, providing defensive solidity. You know you can count on him; when he’s there, he always patches things up. MacGyver.

Bremer 5: If we want him and Locatelli to be the playmakers, we’re in trouble. As long as there’s a need to throw punches, Bud Spencer does his job, but we can’t ask him to run 100 meters or dance the mazurka. Uncomfortable.

Alex Sandro 4.5: He cripples Bremer and sets up Ferguson in the box with a perfect assist. It’s a shame he doesn’t play for Bologna. If only we had known earlier, maybe Giuntoli would have paid him part of his monstrous salary just to get him out of our sight. In the second half, he tries to redeem himself, but he has the grace and effectiveness of Italy’s most famous accountant when he gets on a bike without a saddle. Fantozzi.

Weah 5.5: The first half is unrecognizable compared to his preseason form. He never tries to dribble past opponents or make plays. He stumbles over an opponent, making everyone fear a shoulder injury. Some in the stands think it’s his father coming out of retirement at 50. In the second half, at least he tries to beat the opposing goalkeeper with a long shot, almost earning a passing grade. Anonymous.

Cambiaso 5: He doesn’t replicate his outstanding performance against Udinese and often seems lost in the role of a central midfielder. The coach, lately keen on transforming his players by moving them to different positions, insists on having him play centrally, undermining his dynamic qualities against a well-organized team managed by the slowest former midfielder in history. It’s like putting Chuck Norris in charge of Tim’s customer service and then complaining that customers are switching providers. Misunderstood. From the 66th minute, Iling Jr 6.5: Everyone thinks his crucial play is the perfect assist to Vlahovic. Instead, the young English promise, who has studied the referee’s meter on the bench, mindful of the denied penalty to Chiesa in the first half, brings down Ndoye 5 meters from the goal, saving the potential 2-0 that would have sealed the game. Hopefully, Acciughina gives him more playing time, not just in the final minutes. When he runs with the ball, he looks like Marty McFly returning to the future. Unstoppable.

Locatelli 4.5: Acciughina’s primary victim. The playmaker is not his role; he’s a central midfielder. It’s like having De Piagnentiis direct the next slapstick comedy starring Alvaro Vitali and then complaining that in an hour and a half of the film, the highlight is someone farting. Unfortunately, this time he doesn’t get a single thing right and is soundly booed by the stadium (which had been the usual silent, Japanese-style posing theater until then) when he’s substituted. Scapegoat. From the 81st minute, Yildiz s.v: His only concern is not messing up his hair by touching it, to preserve what little remains of his tuft. Are we sure it was a good move to have him cut it? Well, it’ll grow back. Sansone.

Rabiot 5.5: He trots around the field with a baguette under his armpit, with the Gallic presumption of someone who’s used to leaving his mark on games in some way. However, this time he doesn’t: no noteworthy runs into the box. His teammates look for him, but in vain. Like the average Italian tourist who takes a dump in a Paris hotel and then looks around the bathroom in search of a bidet. Indolent.

Fagioli 5: Here’s another player played out of position by Acciughina, who insists on making him a central midfielder even though Fagiolino doesn’t have the physical attributes for it. How about putting him in place of Locatelli to create play? Doesn’t sound too bad, right? He has the precise vertical pass. At this point, I expect to see him as a full-back à la Cambiaso with the option to cut inside. It’s not his fault. It’s like going to lunch in Rome at Sora Lella’s, ordering beans with pork rinds, and getting a plate of beans without the pork. Unfinished. From the 66th minute, Pogba 6.5: There’s little to be done; Paul touches the ball differently from everyone else. In the play leading to Vlahovic’s goal, he shields and controls the ball amidst four opponents, serving Iling with a perfectly timed through pass. He’s like Cicciolina: he can be absent from the scene for a year and a half, but when he returns, it’s as if he never stopped. If his fitness holds up, he’ll bring joy to many fans. Natural Viagra.

Chiesa 5: No shots on target, presses like a madman, and when the team isn’t pushing forward, he looks at Magnanelli on the bench, who avoids making eye contact for fear of Acciughina’s wrath. He flounders in the anonymous first half, attempting numerous sprints that Bremer and Locatelli’s ironing boards fail to reward with proper passes. Defrocked. From the 74th minute, Milik 5: He comes on late to provide substance to the attack but can’t even perform his usual lay-offs on the edge of the box. It’s like asking the late Monsignor Milingo, almost his namesake, to recite the Angelus in St. Peter’s Square. The good thing is that he spares us the comedic penalty he took last year at the Dall’Ara. Given the way things are going this year, we won’t receive many penalties anyway. Apathetic.

Vlahovic 6.5: If we give him some playable balls, the Slav entertains us. If we expect him to make sideways passes in midfield, not so much. The Udinese first half and the second half against Bologna teach us that. He scores a brace, VAR notwithstanding, leaving a bitter taste in the fans’ mouths. Like that famous lady from Bologna who, when asked if it’s true that Bologna is mainly known for a couple of specialties, replied: “Now, what are tortellini?” Bomber.

Allegri 5: He wants to prove to everyone that Magnanelli only does what he says and shows one of his old first-half performances: everyone behind the ball, no tactical ideas, not a single shot on target. But he gave us five Serie A titles and masterfully managed last

year’s storm: it’s like making love to an old flame just because she was hot in her youth. Anachronistic.